Is your spouse or maybe another close relation driving you nuts with their neediness?
You love them, but you don’t love being sucked dry?
Even healthy relationships have their challenges.
The relationship problem advice you are seeking might give you as much insight into your own neediness as your spouse’s.
The source of neediness within a relationship lies with the “inner-child” needs and issues of both parties.
Both your inner child and their’s need to be considered to discover creative ways to nurture your relationship and satisfy that needy feeling.
In case you don’t know this about me, I’m a parenting instructor as well as a health coach. When I get the chance, I teach Redirecting Children’s Behavior.
Whether I teach it in a classroom or over the fence to the neighbor, I’ve seen this powerful information change lives!
Understanding why your children do what they do is empowering all by itself. Teaching them to meet their own needs empowers them and satisfies that needy feeling.
Redirecting Behavior starts with nurturing yourself and making sure your “bank” is full. Then it is important to nurture all the important relationships in your life by making deposits in the “bank” of the one you love, more often than you withdraw from it!
When dealing with adults it is easy to see how nurturing their inner child will get you a whole lot further than arguing with them.
In the case of self sabotage, the answers lie within. The answers lie with YOUR inner child.
Want to understand the inner child that’s driving you nuts?
If you are self sabotaging, or your needy spouse is mis-behaving you need to understand what might be the underlying goal of the behavior.
The first sign that this is an issue is probably going to be your irritation with yourself and/or others.
When you feel irritated, ask yourself which of the mistaken goals below might be the issue.
The 4 mistaken goals
This mistaken goal arises when that inner child feels left out or craves attention.
This mistaken goal arises when the inner child perceives him/herself as having no power to make decisions or affect the course of their day.
This mistaken goal arises from the hurt inner child trying to “hurt you like they feel hurt”.
This one can have be an endless cycle unless one of the inner-children in the relationship stops hurting back.
Sometimes this one looks like power, but the hurtful words and actions will give it away.
Everyone goes through this one to some extent. Nobody likes to feel inadequet, but in order to learn new things and allow growth in all areas of your life, you must allow the humility it requires to become a student.
You must become a student to learn anything well enough to teach it, and you must remain a student to be a good teacher.
When the feeling of inadequacy keeps you from learning and taking action, you are dealing with a mistaken goal.
How can you address these annoying behaviors in yourself and others?
Helping Inner Children Get Their Perceived Needs Met.
Keeping the “bank” full is helpful with this one. Nurture yourself or you’ll be feeling “needy” for attention.
As far as the attention seeking inner child of another, it is best to avoid eye contact and maintain a silent connection with a physical touch to help them feel included when you are focusing on another.
Discussing or planning activities for them when you know you will be otherwise occupied is a great idea too, though much easier to navigate when the other party is actually your child rather than your spouses inner child.
During comfortable quality time with them, you might discuss their need for attention and suggest ways they might satisfy that need themselves. You don’t want to be condescending to your spouse, but sometimes it helps to look at the anxiety or “neediness” of attention seeking behavior from a new perspective.
It’s also a good idea to look at how much time you devote to nurturing the relationship. Hold yourself accountable for valuing the important relationships in your life enough to put the work into them that they require.
Let your power seeker make decisions within the course of each day. It doesn’t need to be a huge or earth changing decision to really empower that needy inner child.
When the power seeker is you, find ways to empower yourself and witness the effect that your actions make in your life.
When this mistaken goal is coming from someone else, the only wrong move is to hurt back. Stay connected and work through it with open communication.
If you notice yourself saying or doing hurtful things to other people hold yourself accountable. Do the work you need to in order to process your anger in a more healthy way.
If you are guilty of hurting those you love, I strongly recommend that you read the book, Facing the Fire.
Anger is just another emotion to be processed and released, giving you direction in your life. However it has the potential to cause incredible harm. Learning to process your anger in a healthy way is one of the most loving things you can do for yourself and for those you love.
When your anger is very old and unconscious, you may need to seek help in order to process it and work through it.
When this annoying mistaken goal shows itself, it is best to remind/remember successes experienced in the past, and even better to orchestrate challenges to be overcome in the now!
Determined action will silence the mistaken goal of inadequacy. You can take determined action yourself, but you can’t do that for another. With this mistaken goal it is best to remember that you can offer your help and support, but you can only fix YOU.
Do you care enough to really take a look at what is going on with the loved one who is annoying you?
If not, you may need to make an effort to reconnect.
If the thought of reconnecting gives you a pain where you sit, then maybe you are dealing with symptoms of depression.
Connection is the juice of life. If you are withdrawing from those you love, figure out what you need to do to nurture Joy in your life and your relationships.
Satisfying that needy feeling means living your life WITH purpose and ON purpose.
Have you ever considered the possibility that the “needy” person in your life may just be valuing connection more than you do? Are you devaluing your connection?
When you disconnect from life you stop nurturing yourself and you begin to self sabotage. As your physical health fails, so does your mental health.
Anxiety and “neediness” should be considered “red flags of warning” that you are NOT nurturing yourself, or perhaps that you are suffering from symptoms of depression.
You know that growth happens a little at a time, so please consider the fact that when you stop nurturing yourself you are allowing your ship to slowly sink.
Death is a valid choice.
Only you can choose life.
You are either growing or dying within each moment.
Will you choose to respond to your neediness and the neediness of your loved ones, or will you choose to react out of anxiety and irritation?
You can’t create the changes you desire with the same mind that created what you’d like to change. Healthy relationships take a good amount of work, and you’ve got to be willing to put in the effort. Relationship problem advice does you no good unless you are willing to hold yourself accountable.
Join The Life Breath Club and meet weekly with people wanting to be held accountable.
Change isn’t that difficult when you are surrounded by friends.
Click on the link below to check out the benefits of becoming a member.
This is a private membership site to protect your medical privacy.
Carrie Tucker, RCP
The Life Breath Coach
Heart Failure Solutions
PS– Remember everyday:
Relax and Release tension
- Exhale Slowly
Be active in a way that adds Joy to your life
Plus pure water ~whole foods~sunshine~and laughter