Maria Mar is a genius. She knows how to speak in a way that makes your soul sit up straight and pay attention.
After writing my blazing “Are You Swallowing Your Truth?” post, my dear friend Joyce from Lessons From Lyrics sent me a link to Maria’s recent post. Since I felt the urge to share it with everyone I care about it, it was the logical choice to reblog it right here.
Thank You for your inspirational teaching Kumu Maria Mar!
Love Them, But Leave Them
Releasing those who keep you trapped in the old world
written by Maria Mar on July 3, 2009
Today I am writing about a painful subject. It is not easy to release habits. But when you realize that a friend you love, or an old client to whom you have dedicated lots of time, is keeping you spinning in old, harmful habits. What do you do?
I am talking about those moments in life when you have crossed the threshold into a new world. You left dysfunctional habits behind. You stepped into your dream. You released the thoughts and responses that were keeping you from being happy and fulfilling your potential.
You are now your dream, or closer to it than ever. In this new world, you feel the Essence of who you are. You are strong in your faith. You are nurturing your dream every day. You are sustaining your Dream Discipline, dedicating time and space to yourself and your dream. You have given yourself permission to be happy.
Many of the people who love you have understood that you changed. They have supported you in your dreams. They have been able to adapt to your new dynamics. By you changing your set of beliefs, thoughts and attitudes, your relationship with most people around you has improved greatly.
But there is this friend…
There is still this old client…
There are sometimes those who refuse to change because they are the slaves of the Dog of Habit. They allow the Dog of Habit to piss all over you and themselves. They chose not to change.
There are those who danced well with you when you did not set limits, when you caretook them in their every whim, when you kept giving when they were not receiving.
But the minute you set limits, stop caretaking and stand in your value, these people begin to escalate their old, dysfunctional behavior. This is their way of exerting control in a life that feels out of control. Your change feels to them as if they are losing control. They cannot honor your new dynamics. Basically, they do not fit in your new world.
People are not like a dress that you can take off. Love is not a habit that you can simply release, is it?
Well, sometimes it is.
We believe that friends are forever. This is not true. Love may be forever, but a friend may not. The love you have for a person, if it is true, if it has to do with their Essence, is eternal.
But what happens when that person herself does not honor her own Essence? Can you love her for the beauty of her soul when she is betraying that soul trying to control and manipulate others? When he is dishonoring that soul by being unfaithful or by being insensitive to others?
My answer is this. Love them, but leave them.
If you do not release these people in a good way, out of love, when there is still the possibility of simply moving away gently ~you may come to the point of a serious clash. Then you will have to leave in the middle of a fight or in a bitter way.
When someone you love is toxic to you, you need to release this person as an act of love for yourself and for him or her.
By toxic, I do not mean that they are finding it difficult to deal with your change. That’s normal. I don’t mean that they “make you” feel this or that way. No one “makes” you feel. That is giving your power away. If this is the case, assume the responsibility for your feelings, attitudes and responses.
What I mean by toxic is that they are not willing to respect your limits. Toxic to you are friends who repeatedly dishonor or betray you. Toxic are friends who play mind games. Toxic are people who are unwilling or unable to see how their acts affect others, how they are affecting you. Toxic people are blamers. They always have an excuse and a finger pointing somewhere else. There is no way that you can come to terms with people like that. You will be trying forever. Toxic are those who take, but do not receive. Toxic are those who take, but do not give.
Toxic people take you for granted. Their actions (and sometimes even their words) consistently reveal that they not value you. They put you down with words or actions. They make you invisible. They refuse to name the beauty and love you bring into their lives.
Toxic friends trample on your faith and speak only cynical words that take away all the magic and goodness in life.
Toxic friends may be charmers, but they cannot commit to love, to you or to their own words. These toxic friends do not know what they want. They keep asking for your help, only to drop the entire project the minute you committed your contacts or time to their support. You end up exhausted and your reputation is damaged with these toxic friends.
Toxic are people who begin a full-fledge war against your happiness, who do everything they can to bring you back to a place of suffering, so that you stay with them in their misery.
Toxic clients are those who keep asking for more and take everything, but do not RECEIVE it. Because they are not allowing the love in what you give to touch them, they do not FEEL the value of it. As a result, they always want more and nothing is enough. They do not value the gifts because in their emotional world, they have not let the gift in.
They do not trust or value your expertise. Because they do not value themselves, they distrust the value of anyone associated with them. Once they hire you, they do not value you. They will ask for others’ opinions and act on those opinions, even if these other people are not experts. They will not follow your counsel and when their actions lead them to failure, they will fail to see that it was not your counsel, but their stupidity that lead them to that end.
Toxic clients haggle about the price of your service. They pay late and come up with excuses. They do not do their work and then complain that your service is not working. They give you the materials late and procrastinate, so that you cannot fulfill your contract with them. Then they come back after the contract date is over and want you to be their time slave and keep on working for them.
It is hard to understand how saying goodbye can be an act of love. But if your love for another is betraying your love for yourself, then it will soon become poison, not love. The only loving thing to do is leave.
Most of us hold on to toxic love because we are afraid to be alone. We are afraid to be rejected. We are afraid to go out into a world full of strangers. Will we make new friends? Will they love us? So we stay in toxic relationships.
If you are facing such a relationship now, use the descriptions in this blog to evaluate it. Is this friend or client toxic? Is your love or loyalty for this person running against your loyalty and love for yourself?
If the answer is yes, love them, but leave them.
No one deserves that you betray your soul, your happiness and your potential. No one deserves that you go back to your old world, becoming a ghost just for them. That option is not love. It is not love for them. And it is certainly not love for yourself.
Maria Mar is the Dream Alchemist, an inspirational poet, speaker, coach, author and spiritual teacher who helps women create the life of their dreams. Visit her at: Catch the Dream Express!
Let Go, and Let God!
Thanks again Maria Mar, for the loving nudge in the right direction.
Do you need some love and support that might help you to take action in a positive direction?
Carrie Tucker, RCP
The Life Breath Coach
Heart Failure Solutions
PS– Remember everyday:
Relax and Release tension
Be active in a way that adds Joy to your life
Plus pure water ~whole foods~sunshine~and laughter